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welcome  to

Join us at the table as one overzealous Yank steers three sardonic Brits through a bespoke Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition campaign!

Get ready for raw, unfiltered audio, seasoned with just a dash of commentary from (the often incredulous) Kevin the DM. Dungeons will be delved! Off-colour jokes will be told! Sound like your thing? Then tune in for fun, frolics and felony each Friday!

By the way, if the BBFC gave half a crap about podcasts, they would probably rate this one 15 for “language and crude humour”. You have been warned!

Tis the season, cometh the time
Of drunkenness and crappy rhyme
Of voices raised in joyous song,
Of frost-bitten fingers and dwindling schlong.

We’re glad you’re here, we’ve a tale, you see,
Of the Infamous Five and a vanishing tree,
A centaur who suffers a poisonous prick,
And children who need yuletide saving. And quick!

So gather around and snuggle up warm,
And listen awhile as we perform
A tale that you will scarce believe
Of something that happened one Longwinter’s Eve...

holiday special: part(ridge) 1
five milk a reindeer

Now that you’re stuffed full of Longwinter cheer,
It’s time to return to our snowy frontier
Where the Infamous Five journeyed home to a mess,
Finding poor Centaur Nick suff’ring poison distress.

They followed the trail to find Bailey’s elixir -
That patented Reindeer-milk Centaur Nick fixer -
Then sent it to town with that stalker-cum-writer
‘Cause she was a dork and not much of a fighter

So now that the Five have found old Nick’s attackers,
(Foul Longwinter festival fir tree hijackers)
We’ll roll us some dice and spill blood on the snow
To decide who will get the last laugh. HO, HO, HO.

holiday special: part(ying) 2
five murder everyone

What do you know? Our dodgy deputies are all grown up and recruiting people! With the region growing more prosperous and the long arms of the law snaking out like truncheony tentacles, perhaps people will start to behave themselves. Then again, not bloody likely.

session #0
a hire purpose

Something unnerving is afoot as a mysterious vessel surrounded by strangely behaving fog drifts into the Sea of Endrallion. Speaking of strange behaviour, Tan floats a fisherman, Peg walks on water, and Jeff gets plastered after his mum explodes. All in a day’s work.

session #1
the devil and the deep blue sea

Our traumatised team head up to Almtirric Castle to inform the local garrison about the spooky ship full of Myrnic weapons. There they meet a very rude liaison and find out why everyone who could’ve helped them has buggered off to the mountains.

session #2
swamp and circumstance

After surviving the attack of the bog monster, our party finally catches up with Tazira, the Crab-riding Swamp Witch. She tells them that, despite her best efforts, the ‘darkness’ is spreading and she doesn't know why. Our sleuths might have an inkling, though.

session #3
mourning sickness

Peg ‘Moses was a hack’ Faerstone parts the waves to reveal an ugly truth... and a shockingly indifferent perpetrator. Incensed, our party decide to take some long-overdue action, and prepare to wield some Hammers to crush a particularly tough nut.

session #4
the skeleton coast

Following an impromptu speedboat ride, our team fans out to round up the deputies for a daring assault on the barricade. Tan ensures there are great balls of fire but, as it turns out, all they need is one bellowing barrage of bull’s-hit.

session #5
the cow jumped over the goon

Liandra goes out with a series of bangs, not only sending the Deepwater into meltdown but also sending the team on a macabre scavenger hunt through the streets of Caulder’s End. Get ready for booby traps, exploding Hammers, and one visually-challenged mule.

session #6
the lady doth OPPRESS too much

Big-headed Brenton discovers something dodgy underfoot. Tan finds a gate, Jeff argues with a Veteran, and Peg becomes a shark, tells some disembodied murder victims to get over it, then menaces a well-meaning otter.

session #7
glory hole

Tan steals tiles, Brava gets a beating, Peg almost joins a group of disaffected vigilantes and Jeff craves coffee. Having had it with Caulder’s End (and everything else), our party decide to take a ‘working’ holiday.

session #8
search engine

Finding themselves in sunnier climes, our sleuths soon pick up the trail of the engine thieves. But who are the crooks working for? And, after Jeff samples the booze, Peg sees the ponies and Tan gets a tan, will our party ever return to crumby Caulder’s End?

session #9
gateway thug

All hell breaks loose! First there’s a monstrous fire-breather, followed by three malodorous mouth-breathers, and then a whole pile of disarticulated non-breathers. Not to mention the revelation that 53 is a bit of a party animal. It’s a world gone mad.

session #10
the lion, the glitch and the hard road

Peg falls from a ridiculous height! Tan breaks even MORE tiles! Jeff learns all-too-painfully what a Xiphoid Process is! But it's okay, because Vikir "definitely not Jeff Goldblum" Etrandë has just what they all need... eventually.

session #11
Massive Aggressive

Peg registers herself as a short-haul budget airline. Not to be outdone, Tan suddenly becomes a math wiz. Jeff doesn't notice; he's busy lamenting the fact that his dream girl just got more unobtainable. Oh, and they're letting Brava build stuff again...

session #12 (PT 1)
four knights at drennie's

The exciting conclusion to last week's session. We've got Griffons! Werewolves! Physics! What's not to love?

session #12 (pt 2)
FOUR KNIGHTS AT DRENNIE'S

The trip back to Almtirric brings with it some worrying revelations. Tan abandons Tam! Jeff commits treason... kinda! Peg risks life and limb for a trip to the Garden Centre! Of course, these days we all can relate to that last one...

session #13 (pt 1)
plugging the back passage

In the thrilling (?) session conclusion, the party rock-blocks an entire formation of Myrnim. What better way to celebrate a job well done than a ROAD TRIP!!!

session #13 (pt 2)
plugging the back passage

Our heroes set out on a dangerous quest through contested territory. Peg gets drooled on! Tan rides shotgun for a tree! Jeff cold calls an old lady after spying on her in the bath! And Kevin has to write far, FAR too many Sending messages.

session #14 (pt 1)
when enemas become friends

Are you ready to ROCK?!?! It's time to light up this sleepy dell with some thundering hard rock sounds! But be careful not to get overwhelmed, or things might get a bit sloppy.

session #14 (pt 2)
when enemas become friends

After their crash in the dell, our party moves on down the road! On the way, Tan pitches a tent for some mules, Peg almost gets turned into a pet and Jeff reveals some shocking information about the local plantlife. And let's not even talk about what happens to Gandol...

session #15 (pt 1)
slavering for blood

COMING SOON!

session #15 (pt 2)
slavering for blood